PRAGUE BY NIGHT
(Whispers): I daren’t talk. Hello David, Debbie, John, Jodie. Quiet in
here. I can’t find a fucking bar. I’m going home. Thank you David
Littlejohn. I can’t find a bar. I’ve had to come into a pizza restaurant to
get a drink. He didn’t understand a word I said. I said “Hello. Can I
have a lager please?” He went “dubeek”. I said “Can I have a LAGER
please?” He said “dubie deebuck?”. Up to now I’m not impressed ‘cos
there isn’t a bar and the music’s shite. Should have stayed in
Hartlepool. Want to have a little look round? I’ll have to be discreet ‘cos
people are eating and I’m sat huddled in the corner on me own. The
roads are mad. Going over the zebra crossings and that. I didn’t dare
go live and talk to yous while I was walking ‘cos the cars are coming
from like, every angle. Even from above it seems. How’s me Uncle
Derek? Say hi to him from me. Aw the stars are still coming in thank
you. Is me goal still coming up? I’m thirty-two percent on the way to
Hello Shefrie Humphries Bogart. Hello Sharon Amanda Horner you’re a
bit of a jet setter lately aren’t you? Have you had a club out?
Remember when people used to say that in Hartlepool? Christopher
Ireland. Ireland is it freezing? It’s one degree but I don’t feel cold. Isn’t
that bizarre? I’ve been sweating since I was on the plane. It was colder.
I was in Newcastle this morning as you know and it was seven degrees
and I felt colder there than here, one degree. How’s this possible? I got
some Koruna at the airport. He only had a hundred and eight pounds
worth. I said I’ll have that then. Two hundred Koruna is like nine pound
and a hundred Koruna is roughly a fiver ish. I’ve just been to the mini
mart and bought a bottle of vodka and some orange. Three hundred and
thirty-five Korunas which is about what – nine, ten, eleven, twelve,
thirteen – about fourteen pund?
Jordan Palmer – “Any more picture exchanges with Uncle Derek?” Mind
your own bloody business. You do know that didn’t really happen don’t
ya? I look like a kipper in a tea cup. I don’t know why I just feel right out
of place. What a carry on I had in the airport. Em in Newcastle. I went
into one of the foodie bits for sommat to eat and on the menu they had
like various flat breads and pizzas and all of that. And one of them was
a salad and you could have two poached eggs on the salad. And I said
to the girl em “Is there any chance, it’s not on the menu but can I have
two poached eggs and just a flat bread?” She went “Ooh I don’t know I’ll
have to ask.” I said “Right.” She said “Which flat bread do you want?”
Cos like there were like ten, fifteen quid stuffed ones. I said “No literally
just the flat egg on toast basically.” She went “Oohh.” I thought fucking
hell. Anyway she said “I’ll go and ask.” So she walked about twenty
thousand feet, like down this long thing, comes back. She went “Yeah.
Em.” I don’t know if she said he or she. “They’re willing to do you
poached egg on toast.” I said “Aw thank you that’s really kind of ya.”
But they do fucking poached eggs. They do them on a salad. Anyway it
were lovely. Really enjoyed it.
I was learning Czech on the way down in the car yesterday with
‘Dominic Cummings’. Ne is no. Ano is yes. That’s easy to remember
isn’t it ‘cos like, yea ano. Dobne was something I don’t remember so I
better be careful ‘cos I don’t wanna be ordering turtle and chips again do
I? Vikend is weekend. I said why can’t they all be easy like that?
Sharon Hill “Have I got me own room? Have you gone on your own?” I
have yeah. Caroline Hendry what’s been deleted by accident darling?
Is anyone listening to me or are you just talking amongst yourselves?
You’re like the naughty kids at the back of the classroom. Pay attention.
Na I know, I do tells yous to have a chat. “Come back to the cold
weather but I have a lot of catching up to do.” You have. Christoper
Ireland “Did you at least get some food with your drink?” In here? Na. I
said “Is it alright just to have a drink and not order any food?” He went
“devedee debit.” So I don’t know if I have to order sommat. I’ll just run
out really quick. Like a kid in school trying to make friends. Oh I will
tomorrow. It’s been a long day ‘Alcoholics Anonymous’. A long day. I
started the day off with ‘Dominic Cummings’ so. Yeah I made her stay
over last night at the hotel as you know. ‘Cos I said “Don’t go”. And I
started filling up. She went “Ok.” Graham Storey “I’m away to Spain
Saturday.” Well I hope there’s bars there. I might go to Spain tomorrow.
“How strong is the vodka?” It’s just Smirnoff Stuart. I got. Yeah I’m on
me own. I’m on me tod.
Debbie O’Rourke “Hi Steph. Hope you’re having a cracking time jammy
sod.” I’m sat in the middle of Prague with half a lager, some Koruna, no
bar, a bottle of vodka in me handbag and I’ve got the shits. Apart from
that I’m enjoying it. And the studio apartment looks like it’s from the
eighties. Yeah I know I should be grateful and stop moaning but I see it
as it is. When I got off at Prague. You know you ding the bell on the
plane. This is my stop darling – Prague airport. I got off close to the
fucking... That’s English for ‘flower’. Goes to the bag collection place.
Two lads stood there, late twenties I think. And they were English and
said sommat. Ah. And he went “I’m glad one of us is looking.” To, like,
his partner. And I burst out laughing ‘cos he wasn’t looking, he was
looking over there. And I started talking to them having a laugh. They
went “Are you that woman from Hartlepool who does the videos?” I said
“Yes I am.” So that was good wasn’t it? And they were dead canny.
What the fuck is this music? Sounds like Peppa Pig’s having a Party.
“Stay safe”. I will Alistair. I’ll try me best. I’m not gonna, er, get drunk
on me own. “Get some Lopromide.” Ah Rosh, yeah. Yes. I think I’ve
got some in me room. “It’ll cost you about two hundred squid. Shurrup
moaning.” Stuart. I’d rather I paid a tenner round Tesco and sat in the
house with me fucking dead animals. How funny was last night?
‘Dominic Cummings’ getting into trouble climbing on the stuff. Ee we
were in the pub last night, next to the hotel.
Thank you for the stars Darren Mac. And the reason is that it comes up
bright gold like a gold box. That’s how it pops up. Em. We were sat
next to this couple and the man had long grey hair and glasse on and he
was the spitting pop of Jimmy Savile. God love him he was. It was like
time stood still. Have I frozen for a bit? They don’t know how to make
fucking music do they like the Brits? We’re the best in the world you
know. The Brits at making music. We are. Like your Oasis. Graham
Storey “Airdy are you in there?” In where? Yeah I’m back. Am I proper
back? Thank you for the stars Lisa Burnell Jensen. It’s morning in
Adelade, Australia from Brenda originally from Wigan, UK. Boom.
Catherine Hitchins I’m shocked we didn’t get into trouble like ‘cos here’s
me shouting out the window last night. Laughing and carrying on. Talk
about near middle aged people behaving badly. “Steph ask them to turn
that shit music off or ask them to play Stephanie Aird.” Jeanette
Donnelly. Even my music’s better.
“Did ‘Dominic’ get into trouble for being late?” No ‘cos she rang em.
Paulo did you get my email daring? Yeah the music’s Italian in a bloody
Praguian bar. Pizza place. Paulo won the prize yesterday if you’s
noticed. He won the t-shirt and all that but he said do not post it ‘cos it’ll
cost too much and he’s donated the prize to someone else so I can re-
gift it. So I sent him some bits and bobs like VG’s. Virtual gifts. Thank
you Yvonne Nanna Heywood for me stars.
Tracey Barker “Is anyone meeting up with you Steph?” Not as yet.
Christ I hope not. Na not as yet. “Have you not got a tourist book?”
Jodie Foster. I have. Em. Me taxi driver Mr. G, I call him, ‘cos he give
me g-force. He’s given me bits of books and that but I can’t see at the
minute darling. It’s rather dark. I rather tired and a tad pissed. I’ll start
again tomorrow. It was nice getting asked for me autograph at the
airport. I’m sure she thought I was Kylie Minogue you know. I said “Are
you getting the right person’s autograph?” She said yea. Well I’m the
same age as Kylie and blonde. She must have thought ‘Christ Kylie’s let
herself go’. Kylie’s put six clem on. Hello Holly Tate. Fuck me Kylie’s
swallowed Jo Brand. Ee god. Polite restaurant surroundings and I’m
swilling lager and saying fuck me. Kylie’s swallowed Jason. Oh. Alfie
Coggins “Saturday night’s live?” It got deleted by accident. I don’t know
how. Yeah ‘Not Boshed’ that was so funny. I was sat like that and the
tears were literally just falling down crying. ‘Dominic’ went “Cut!” And
we didn’t dare look at each other and we didn’t dare look at the couple,
like the man. I was like that. I don’t know what ‘Dominic’ was doing. But
you could just see her shoulders going. Anyway we moved. I said
“Awey then.” Thank you Dodie Din.. Jodie Dinsdale for me stars.
Sharon Amanda Horner “What’s me hotel like?” It’s a studio apartment
and it’s from the eighties. The eighties want it back. It’s got a
candlewick bedspread. Well candlewick ish. “Your other video’s just
come up.” What? From Saturday night? No way. Rosh. Really? No
Alistair Morgan “This reminds me when you fled Ian and went hotel
jumping.” I know yeah. That was last January that. That was a year
ago. When I was doing me accounts and looking at me statements. It
was last January. It’s gone quick hasn’t it? I did three nights didn’t I? I
did the Premier Inn, then the Travel Lodge, then the Grand Hotel, Best
Western. Ah the video in the room Rosh. Ah they’ll have all got excited
there. Sorry. Wendy Cooper there aren’t any bars in Prague. I’m in a
Pizza restaurant. I was just like going along licking windows looking for
lager. That’s what I seen at the bar over there but it’s a restaurant. But I
thought ‘well’. Jodie Foster, tell you the story of what darling? No Rosh
it was my fault for getting everyone excited shurrup man.
Alistair Morgan “What made you go to Prague? I’m behind and lost.”
Me mam asked me that she said “What made you go to Prague?” And
I’ll tell you what I told me mother. I said “I not a fucking clue.” It’s
because I went in the travel agents the other day ‘cos I needed to get
away. And I said to the little girl who worked there who was about nine.
She was lovely, lovely girl. She said that she’d just been to Krakow with
her mam. She said that’s good. She said they went to Auschwitz. I
said “I’m not up for that at the minute honey.” And then, either her or
me, both said “What about Prague?” I said “Ooh okay.” I thought ‘Oh
lovely. Nice bit of warm weather. Lovely’ Books it all in. I said “Ooh
what’s the temperature there, at the minute?” She said “Three degrees.”
Well it was fucking six in Hartlepool. So eh, yeah. Should’ve listened in
geography in school. I should have. All comes to all. What I was
thinking of in me head. Remember the film? Have you ever seen the
film ‘In Bruges’? That’s where I wanted to go. And I thought Prague
was Bruges and it’s not. It’s completely different place darling.
Completely. So I went to fucking Prague. Remember when I went to
Liverpool and ended up in Widnes? And they said “It’s not Liverpool –
it’s Cheshire.” I don’t know the fuck I ended up in Widnes. But it was
one of the best days of me life. “The story of Jimmy in the pub last night
– it froze when you were telling it.” Will it still replay though? Stuart
Smith “I’ve got a meeting with Facebook on Thursday all thanks to you
telling me not to give up. Thank you so much but shoosh it’s a secret.”
What do you mean? A meeting with Facebook? Are you going to L.A.?
Well good luck anyway. Let me know what the hell you’re talking about
son. Thank you Jen Clifford for me stars. Right Jodie Foster and
anyone else who wants to hear it again. What percent, sorry, what
percent is this lager? And we were Facetiming ‘Not Boshed’. We were
sat next to this couple and the man had long grey white hair and glasses
on and he was the spitting pop of Jimmy Savile. Spitting pop. Spitting
fucking pop. Anyway were Facetiming ‘Not Boshed’ and ‘Dominic
Cummings’ went “I’ll show you round the pub.” And she goes like that to
‘Not Boshed’. At the top of her voice on Facetime goes “Jesus Christ it’s
Jimmy Savile.” Top of her voice. They heard. The pub heard. Ran
round the pub. I went like that and ‘Dominic Cummings’ went. And
clicked off really quick. I said if ever there was a time for ‘cut’ that was it.
Quick as you like and she just put her phone down and just sat there
and I was sat there like that. We didn’t dare look at each other. My
fucking face was streaming. I lost me shit laughing. I though me head
was gonna explode. None of us dare look up. Sixty five percent ultra
premium lager. Is that the one you were on about Christopher?
I wish I could speak Praguian. Flobba dobba debubna. Flippa dippa
dopna. Watch me get filled in. Flibba dibba dop. Debbie O’Rourke “I
sound like the Flowerpot Men.” And Nic Dunford. Thank you for the
stars Nicky Lindsay Walters. They’ve just popped up bright yellow.
Wendy Cooper “You’re fluid already.” Flibba dibba dip. Christ they’re
taking ages. Let me in. Let me have the man. Thank you for the stars
Chris Martin. Jenny Kelsey. Lisa Burnell Jenson. Excussie? Can I
have a lager please? One more please ta. Flobba dobbid.
He understood me that time. I said the same words but with an accent and
he understood me. If it’s sixty-seven percent someone will have to roll
me home. I’m the only one in here on me own. I’m the only one having
a good laugh. What does that tell ya? Ee god. Thank you Sharon
Amanda Horner. “Why am I talking like that?” Because I’m talking
Praguian Alistair. I’m in the Czech Republic. I’m talking
Czecelvakelasian. “Just speak normal.” He didn’t understand. When I
went to the mini market and bought some vodka I said to the girl behind
the bar, counter, I said “Is there a bar nearby?” She went “Dobba
nabba?” I said “Is there a bar – nearby?” No I was saying ‘pub’.
Instead of pub she went “A problem?” I said “No, is there a pub?” I’m
gonna ask for the bill in Czechoslovakian. Thank you do you hava the
bllle? “Bill?” The bllle please. “Yes. Card?” Kaird. Caard. Thank you
darling. I’m getting by aren’t I? I’m doing well. I does – it tells you a lot.
Hello Gail Chapman Pollard. How are we feeling darling? ‘Lorry
McDonut’ “Oh my god my jaw is killing.” Hello Nicola Dunford. “The
bllle? The bill yes.” “Speak with The Queen’s accent.” Lisa don’t
encourage me. Think yoy. He’ll think I’m round the fucking twist. Oh
you just nearly fell into the pepper pot darlings. Ee god. Look at me
handbag. Vodka in me handbag. What’s thank you in Praguian?
“Sorry?” What is thank you in Praguian? “Dekuju.” Jequick? “Dekuju.”
Jequick. Jequick. Oh the card? I haven’t brought me card it’ll have to
be cash. Sorry. “No problem.” Sorry it’s me mam on the phone here. I
haven’t brought me card sorry. Jek quick. He’s got me purse. Jek
quick. Thank you. I hava the billle a hundred and ten pound for two
beers it’s like being in London. What’s that a hundred and ten? A
hundred’s a fiver – it’s about a fiver. It’s about the same. “Praguian. Is
that a word?” He knew what I meant by Praguian. I don’t think I’ll drink
another lager. Tastes like armpit sweat. Yes I do know what it tastes
like. We’ve all done it darlings. “New word of the day – Praguian.”
“Praguanese.” Oh is that what it is Leanne? Praguolian. Ee god. I
don’t know how much battery I’ve got left. I’ve got you on a power pack
but it keeps saying low battery. Look I’ve got you on this. Aloona,
aloona. Grows on you this music. Like a fucking wart. Loona.
“Praguish is just Winglish. Just add Khrrr to the end.” Checekanee khrr.
What was ‘thank you’ did he say? Wookenkee? Wookenkee. Chris
Crowder I’ve just had a tax bill smart arse. Stop winding me up you little
shit. One of these days I’m gonna come down yours and put you over
me knee. Jordan Palmer “Pivo prosim – beer please.” Now you tell me.
Away guys help me out here. Give me a few phrases. ‘Cos I was on
Duolingo but it only teaches you to say things like em, ‘me cat was on
top of me monkey’ and things like that. Which I have never had to use
anywhere I’ve ever went. Or the walk. Or the dog. What was it? ‘The
monkey walks near the horse’. It’s gone horrible.
What I’m doing with star sender prizes is what I’ve been doing the last.
Have you noticed I’ve been sneakily messaging star senders? Like a
shock surprise. That’s how I’m doing prizes at the minute. I’m not
announcing them. Just I go through the live steam at the end. And even
if you’re on hash-tag replay and you send stars you’ve still got a chance
of winning. Shall I do the star sender rap in here? Should have brought
me laptop shouldn’t I? Do it to Liberty Bell. Thank you Sharon Amanda
Horner, Jem Clifford, Jodie Dinsdale, Alex McLoughlin, Jenny Kelsey,
Lisa Burnell Jensen, Chris Martin, Nicky Lindsay Walters, Gem Clifford,
Emma Davidson, Alfie Coggins, Holly Tate. Thanks guys. Vonnie Nana
Heywood. Dot com. Darren Mark Belsford V. The rest doesn’t fit on.
Thank you Sylvia Crowe, ‘Alcoholics Anonymous’, Ruby Starr. Stacey
Marie. I’m gonna burp. Lisa Tollins and David Littlejohn. Neitski.
Vekend? He’s looking at me like I’m a fucking. Well like I’m a bloody
halfwit. He’s quite tasty actually. Nice to look at now I’m half pissed.
Jesus Christ. Some fucker shout me before I have to drink the rest of
How are we all doing tonight then? What even day is it? Oh how did the
lass’ new day go? Who had? Kyra Fox – she had a new job today
didn’t she? Vonnie Nana Heywood “Thank you Steph I sent a hundred
stars.” Thank you my darling. Dimma Dickwee for thank you. Dickwee.
Vivienne I’m here ‘til Friday. Thank you Elaine Chivers and Alistair
Morgan Prentice for the stars. Lisa “Burping might be the sign of
politeness there you never know.” I haven’t burped have I? Have I
burped? It wasn’t me it was the table next to me. Oh I should have
brought me walkie talkies and put one on the bar and frighten the
bejeezus out of them. Na. Na. I’ll have to see how the land lies. ‘Lorry
McDonut’ “Remember you’re not on your own darling, we’re all here.” I
know. I’m having the best laugh in here with yous than any bugger else
is. “Cannot wait to see what you get up to. Have an amazing time.
Enjoy yourself and the hot, gorgeous weather.” Well I suppose one
degree is one degree isn’t it? Thank you Alfie Coggins for the stars.
Lisa Burnell Jensen. “Dickwee. Dickwee.” Julie Scott. “This week
should be a laugh on here with you in Prague.” Thank you Janine
Victoria Vicky Amery. We should have a name-off. Who has the longest
set of names. ‘Cos we’ve got Joanne Vicktoria Vicky Amery. Marie
Mitchenson Hickman Simpson. Sharon Amanda Horner. Lisa Burnell
Jensen. Sarah Louise Brownell Fosse. I think the most is four isn’t it?
We haven’t got a five one. Ah Sharon Amanda Horner has got loads of
people commenting on her Phannie flip-flops on the ship. They loved
them. Ah that’s good. I’m glad you wore them and I’m glad you enjoyed
yourself. Thank you Nancy Russell for the stars.
The star sender names are getting longer. I know. Darren Mark
Braceford Vardy. That’s another long name. We need a five. We’ve got
lots of fours and threes but we haven’t got a fiver name. Thank you
Chris Martin for the stars. Chris Ireland “Did you bring your swimmers
for your sea swimming morning? How’s the beaches?” Alright smart
arse. Paulo thank you for the stars. I will have a lovely time darling.
Thank you Julia Collier for the stars. Love you too. Nicky Lindsay
Walters “How’s things going with the lovely Bob?” Oh Robert. Ah.
Completely forgot I had a boyfriend. True story. Eh, yeah he’s canny.
Ah he’s dead canny. Ah Jesus Christ. Alistair’s off to Ibiza in June.
“Well come and join me. We need a laugh.” Which part of Ibiza are you
going to? I might pop out and see you. Lisa Burnell Jensen – your
name is five in total. Why what’s missing? Haven’t you put your middle
names in? Yeah the songs are... Nicola Dunford “Syllables – not
words.” Na words not syllables. ‘Cos then there’d be loads wouldn’t
there? I’d like have Ste-pha-nie Air-d. What you gonna add Maria? Is
that how it works Christoper? I’m single ‘cos I’m in a different country?
To be fair I’m single when he goes in the back kitchen. Robert is a
goodun Debbie. He is a goodun and he is good to me. The lager is
really strong. It’s like really strong. Me tonsils are stunned – they’re like
petrified. It’s petrifying me tonsils. Did I pay me bill? I’ve paid me bill.
I’m free. Free to go. I wonder if I could take me lager like in a bottle to
take out? Dickweed? Dickweed? Na ya can’t get the man’s attention.
Dunford and ‘Boshed’ will you stop arguing? He is lovely. Robert is
lovely. I can’t hear an American accent.
Christ I hope no-one can speak English in here what I’m saying. The
Nic’s are fighting. Julie Scott “When I went to Prague it’s Dickwee for
thank you or that’s what it sounds like and I got it mixed up and said hey
wee dick.” I’ve brought a wee piano Christopher ‘cos I wanna do some
composing. I always do when I’m away. In a hotel. I do a bit of
composing as well, writing music. Sometimes. “Take your glass and go
for a cig.” Rosh. You know I don’t smoke but I think I’ll go and have a
fucking tab I really do. I might have a cigar. Back in the day I used to
smoke cigars when I used to go out. A Panatella. Loved a Panatella.
‘Cummings’ you’re late to the party babe. Did you see the mess Toby
had left. Robert looked after him once and Toby had smashed the
house up which he’s never done before. Glasses broke and everything.
Hello ‘Cummings’. Wendy Cooper I haven’t smoked one for years. It
must have been in the nineties. Early two thousands. Love a Panatella.
When I was out. Alfie Coggis ‘Dominic Cummings’ is at my house.
Have you been cleaning my house ‘Dominic’? It wasn’t dirty darling. I
had a swill round. Robert took Toby out earlier to the park bless him.
Took him for a walk while he was doing his Pokemon. ‘Cos he does his
Pokemon things Robert. You know the thing? He goes out in his car
and he pulls up at places. He said his mate does the same. Like a
middle aged man pulls up places and sits and goes like that in the car on
the phone. Down like that. But, this is true, there was a hot spot near a
school for Pokemon. And this middle aged man was parked up. Sat
doing that in his car. And that’s what you could see and someone
phoned the police thinking he was sat wanking near a school. And the
police come and warned him. True story. What is it wee dick?
Dickwee? “Dekuju.” Dickwee? Thank you. It is dickwee well done. I
said wee dick ya bastard. Na Stuart ‘Dominic’ won’t sleep in my bed.
She’s frightened of it. She’s frightened that the ‘lid’ falls in on her. I said
well if it hasn’t fell in on me why the fuck would it fall in on you. Funny
fucker our ‘Dom’. Hello Michaela Coote. Wendy Cooper it sounds like
Eurovision night doesn’t it? All these shit songs. Like all the entries for
fucking Eurovision all on one tape. It’s a mix tape of Eurovision.
Dickwee. Oh just say I’m going for a cig and walk out. I get ya.
Dickwee. That’s an unfortunate phrase isn’t it? Dickwee. Dickwee –
who knew. Over the moon with that. I’m gonna sit you on the salt. Sit
in the salt here. Sit there. I’ve got three thousand stars towards me
USA tour. Thank you. Ah fucking hell. Couldn’t you bloody spit
feathers? It has been a long day darling.
Fuck me it’s Renee and Renato. It is it’s Renee and Renato from the
fucking eighties. ‘With moon and stars above.’ ‘Reddest rose I long to
bring you.’ ‘Save your love my darling save your love.’ Airdy’s pissed.
Sorry. ‘Love and hold you.’ ‘Eternally.’ ‘Save your love my darling save
your love.’ ‘For summer night with moons and stars above.’ ‘Long to
sing you.’ ‘The reddest rose I’ll always bring you.’ ‘Your love my darling
save me.’ ‘So very long.’ Fucking Renee and Renato. Dickweed?
They were canny the couple of girls in the corner, they were laughing
while I was singing. Cheeky fuckers. I was singing me best fucking
tune. Musical interlude. Does anyone wanna dance? I’m in the mood
for fucking dancing me now. Dickwee. Stuart I haven’t packed me
wrecking ball and me tit tape. I haven’t I don’t think. Patrice yes, do you
remember this song? Ah key change. Key change up a tone. ‘Miss
you.’ Wasn’t there an em, Patrice? Wasn’t there a rumour that ‘cos she
wasn’t in it was she? The woman. He was in it, Renee. And Renato,
the woman, wasn’t in it. Apartently she was so fucking ugly they didn’t
have her in the video. That was. Do you remember that? ‘Cos you
seen him singing and putting a rose up to the window but you only ever
seen the window. You never saw her singing. And then the rumours
started. She was fucking plug so they didn’t dare put her in the video.
Google it. Google it. Sharon Amanda Horner you do not love that song.
Are you sure? Yeah he had a moustache Janine. He was a little fat
bloke. He looked like Demis Roussos. Do you remember Demis
Roussos? ‘For ever and ever and ever and ever will beeee the one.’
Feel like doing a show. Wonder if they’ll hire me. No Debbie O’Rourke
no, I’m not saying it. That was the rumour then in the eighties. ‘Cos she
wasn’t in the video so people were saying it’s because. Summat. Have
a look. I don’t know. Lisa Bushaway “Don’t hold a rose up.” What does
it mean? You’re thinking of a hankie in the back pocket. What? What?
You would wouldn’t ya? Again. You would. He’s about thirty-odd.
Shurrup. Dickweed. Didn’t find the poor cunt. Terrified. Terrified.
“Rude not to” Cheryl. I’m gonna drink up and fuck off. Stop swearing.
Isn’t it bizarre that a laugh in any language is the same? Eh? And a
smile is universal. Did you know that the smile is the human expression
that can be seen from the furthest distance? True story. It can be
recognised from the furthest distance a smile. Just saying. So if you
walk around like that. What the fuck is this music? Wendy Cooper “A
French laugh is haw he haw.” That’s a donkey darling. A donkey. Yeah
Jodie Foster “Throw backs from the eighties.” I’m never in a fucking
eighties room listening to Renee and bastard Renato. Kate Knight
Holland hello baby. Someone Google that story about Renee and
Renato. It was said she was too ugly to appear on video. That’s what
they said. Unless it was just a rumour. But she wasn’t in the video. If I
remember rightly. Wish I had a gun with a speaker and I could just go.
Pow. Have a look at Stuart’s page. I think everyone on here is on your
page darling. How are you getting on with your page? I will Sharan. I’ll
be good. Well I’ll be careful. Me mother said. On the phone she said
Stephanie be careful while I was in the middle of causing havoc over
poached eggs. Lisa Bushaway “I thought she was the uncut version.
She was bloody ugly with a big nose.” I do apologise if anyone’s got a
big nose. “Go home and watch some Starsky and Hutch.” Wendy
Cooper. Paul Michael Glazier and what do they call the blonde one?
David Soul. That’s going back isn’t it? Debbie O’Rourke “Can’t be
arsed to Google it. I don’t care.” Well I do care darling. Take one for
the team. I will, I’ll take care. I promise.
I’ve done all I can do here. I’m going. Do they do takeaway?
Don’t have a go at me ‘cos it’s not Muscle Food. ‘Cos I couldn’t bring a
box of fucking Muscle Food to Prague could I? I’ll get back on it when I get home. You’ve got to live, haven’t
you darlings? You’ve got to live. Dickweed. Do they have Just Eat in
Prague? Will someone have a look please? Fucking Neil Diamond –
Love on the Bastard Rocks. Oh no it’s not. I’d have been happier if it
was Neil Diamond – Love on the Rocks. He’s looking at me. How’s
Percy is he alright? How’s his pigeons? Are they still up the allotment?
Is that all he’s got now, twelve? He had twenty-five didn’t he, our Percy
and his pigeons, twenty five? What happened to the others? Really?
Wow. You wouldn’t have thought that would happen to a bunch of
pigeons would you? Is it a gaggle of pigeons? Or is it a gaggle of
geese? Do you know it’s a murder of crows? Louis told me that. A
murder of crows. Was he upset Percy? Ah god love him. He loved his
pigeons our Percy. He’ll get some nice soup out of it. Alright okay. I’m
gonna put you in the salt and pepper and I’m gonna put me coat on, I’ve
pulled. Do you know what I’ve pulled? A fucking arsehole. Who’s the
arsehole? Me. ‘Buridee buriden’. No I’m not taking the piss out of
foreign languages. I’m just trying to them. Pigeon pie. Sharon Amanda
Horner would like to be here but she’s jet lagged. I get jet lagged going
down to Church Street. True story. You rest up my darling. Charlotte
Cooper “Percy was gutted they fucked off.” He loved his pigeons our
Percy. He always said ‘Stephanie’. I said ‘Yes Uncle Percy.’ He said ‘I
love my pigeons me.’ I said ‘I know yeah.’ He had names for them all.
He had em. I’m gonna have to make up a load of names now aren’t I?
I’m gonna have to style it out. Fuck sake. He had eh, Poinsettia named
after the flower. He had Brian. Brian the pigeon. Keith. Keith. Rodney.
Sheila. Serrupticious. Em Stupenda. Yvonne. Sorry if you’re called
any of these names it’s just, em. There was eh, Divana. Dudooka. And
Durdoinia. Love this song. Who’d have thought it was even west when
it’s warm. Talking of Dickwee. There’s fucking half a pint of it here. I’m
gonna get barred out of Prague aren’t I? ‘Yanna Paloma Blanca’ Hello
Lucy Wood. Thank you Sharan. Please know that it’s fake fur
obviously. Ruthie Cocks “He must have had a Walter.” A Walter?
Walter Pigeon. Hello Lucy Wood. Lisa “You look like a pigeon lady
talking to yourself in the corner.” I know. One of these days I’ll have to
give a fuck. But for right now I not. There’s always one crazy cunt in the
corner. It is I. “Barred out of Prague.” “Deported before you’ve even
had your first night’s sleep.” Yeah. Yeah piss off out of Prague and
don’t ever darken our doorstep again. Dickwee. As I’m going. Dickwee.
Where you going Debbie O’Rourke? Is it late? I’m gonna switch off
while I’m walking back to the apartment ‘cos I need to keep me whits
about me ‘cos the roads are like, mental. And I need to be like uber
doober ninja. Thank you for all the stars. I’ll be picking some out and
surprising you with an inbox. A reply to your comment. Thank you for
watching I’ll see if I can go live when I get back there if I don’t fall asleep.
Is that alright? I’ve never fell asleep in my life darling. I’ll have a chat
when I get back there for a bit but I want to keep my wits about me while
I’m out and about. It’s because if someone like, comes up to me and
prepares to attack me I’ll need to be on full alert with me Jiu Jitsu. I
have moves marked out in me mind. Oh yeah. ‘Cos you just like swing
yer hand bag and with a bottle of vodka in it. Spark clean the fuck out. I
watched a good movie on the plane. By the time I got on the plane, got
comfortable, watched a movie. We were landing. It was brilliant.
I watched Bad Match. I downloaded it from Amazon Prime. It’s probably
on Netflix. Bad Match. It’s about dating sites and it was a bad match. It
was worth a watch. Would I watch it again? Na. Do I recommend it?
Yes. Was it an unexpected ending? Yes. Which I like. Yes I love
expecting the unexpected. Ah thank you Natasha. Ah “Post that I’m
back safe.” Stuart. Even if I don’t go live. If I’ve missed anyone out on
something I’m going through them all later or in the morning. To give out
Love yous. Bye.
Dickweed. Over. Khrrr.