The Merry Wife of Windsor
Doo. Doo. Is it back on live ‘cos it was recording? Hello everyone. Is it on
live? I don’t know it’s a poor connection when I’m out in the open. I in Soho
Squarey bit. Hello Jamie. Hello Shelley. Hello Carmen. Hello Kate. Hello
Angie. Hello Nicky. Hello Sarah. Hello Barry Lightfoot Diane.
Right am I live? Say pudding if I’m live. Right Stacey says I’m live. Well I’ve
gone to the photo shoot with Sharon. Em. But you’re not allowed to stay in.
You’re not allowed to video in there. It’s all top secret. Basically they play
dressup and get their photos took. She’s dead nervous Sharon. Basically it’s
like a dressup and they just get their photos took but you’re not allowed any
photography. And she’s gonna be up to four hours.
Em. I think it’s all the buildings making it poor reception. I’m finding me way
back to the hotel because I need the toilet. Me and my bloody arseial issues
does me fucking head in. Oh it’s hot. I’m gonna have to get some shoes that
aren’t boots. On the hottest day of the year. I’ve just been past Ronnie Scotts
and down Shaftsbury Avenue. Eve Young – not chocolate pudding – I prefer
treacle pudding. I feel dead fucking fat. Sharon didn’t eat any of the pizza last
night ‘cos she was asleep and I tried to eat as much as I can ‘cos it – so I didn’t
waste money. Morning everyone. It is a lovely day but it’s hot. Hopefully I’m
gonna be meeting a couple of Phannies in about an hour.
There’s only two of the bairns. Two women coming. So we’ll see. We’ll see what occurs. What?
Yea – yer alright? We give a couple of people money last night but you can’t
give everyone sommat who asks. Any fucker just comes up and asks now. I
think I’ll do it. Hello got a tenner? I’m only joking. I’m at Tottenham Court
Road Tube and I believe the hotel is up to the left. So I’m gonna have a look
about after I’ve been to the toilet. I’m gonna get me sketch book I think and
sit. I like to draw when I’m away. And I like to work on me laptop when I’m
away but it’s a bit hot to be carrying it all. ‘Cos I take everything with me
usually. Me pencil case, me laptop, me book. Too hot. So look.
Right. So this is where we were last night. That’s the pub we were in last night
up there. Sharon was rat arsed. She normally only drinks Carling. We were on
the Peroni. You know the strong lager. So I nearly killed Sharon on night one.
Is he alright? What the fuck? There’s a man walking really funny.
walking like that and I not understand why. Look. An I’m not taking the piss I
just don’t understand. ‘Cos he’s got the commen sense to have a face mask
on. Hiya mam. He’s got the common sense to have a face mask on but he’s
walking like that. I wonder if he’s em method acting for a part as a bear or
something? Very strange.
Hello Caroline. Jamie Mattox has got a joke for us. ‘Here’s a joke for you. Did
you hear about the two poofters that went to London. They were
disappointed when they found out Big Ben was just a clock.’ Is that politically
correct? Can me gay phannies help me out there please? Should I laugh or
not? I don’t know you’ll have to teach me. Paulo Gronow’s gay and he says
‘poof’. There’s that man. He’s put his arms down now. Where the hell?
Right. There’s me hotel. That’s clever isn’t it? Me hotel’s here. Just there.
I’m not gonna show ya. ‘Cos just incase some lunatics are watching. Eee that’s
good isn’t it? I’m right in the bloody centre of it. When we come out the hotel
we walked down the road there and we got in a taxi. We said ‘Can you take us
to Bateman Street please?’ Like for the model shoot. He went ‘Uh. I’ll take ya
but I’m not gonna charge ya.’ He turned the car round. Drove a little bit. He
said ‘You can’t get a car in. You just have to walk.’ It was more aggro for him to
turn round and he never charged us. So we thought it was miles away.
Hilarious darlings. Right I’ll take ya in the hotel for a bit then I’m going on me
toilet. Ah I didn’t know I was here. I dead happy. Nicole you haven’t missed
much darling. I’m just walking about talking bollocks. Yeah, no change there
then. I’m gonna be buying a present down London for a star sender this week.
Like I did in Prague. Why am I ringing the bell? Sorry I don’t know why I done
that. Sorry I don’t know why I done that. That man from last night. He must
think I’m a right little humphry. I hot. I don’t know if you’ll work in the lift.
Apartently I said to the man last night I’ll press it with me tit if I couldn’t get
the button. Look at this man. Cool and straight. That’s what I was spraying
Sharon with last night. I was spraying Nic Dunford with it last week. ‘Floor
One’. Yeah I know. Nic Dunford loved it. Don’t pick up fly spray by mistake.
It’ll sting yer eyes. Hand sanitiser. I don’t like it in here. I’ll show you round
the rooms Phannie Flickers. That’s Sharon’s room there. She’s at the photo
shoot. It’s quite a big hotel like. Where be me key? Me brows are on freak
aren’t they? Not. Drew them on and I can’t get them off. It’s stained.
Oh god it’s so hot. I kept the curtains shut like they do in Spain to stop the sun
coming through but it’s so hot, hot, hot. I’m taking these fucking boots off.
Ah. That’s me poor feet are on fire. They’re like. Raaa. If feet could speak
they’d be Raaa. Eee I didn’t know I was only here I thought I was miles away.
Ah I’m dead chuffed. Pleased as punch. There we go ma darlings. Hello.
Right, as you know I always make me room me own. So I’ve got me little work
area here. I’ve got me. I always bring a full pencil case. Laptop. Then I’ve got
me makeup area here. Then I’ve got the business here of alcohol. That’s how
much vodka I drank last night – not a lot at all. Well Sharon poured herself a
gin. There it is down there. She didn’t even drink it. She was all lagered up on
Peroni. I said ‘you’re a pussy.’ I said ‘you can’t take it like me.’ Not long
before that she goes. She was sat on here. She went ‘oh yeah I can drink me.
I can drink Damien under the table.’ Within three minutes she was fucking
asleep. Tonight I’m putting her on the Carling. And then there’s this area here.
I don’t bring a lot of clothes but I do bring a lot of colouring pencils and felt
tips. There’s the bathroom. It’s only ickle but it’s got everything. Hiya. Doo
doo. They were a bit, erm, snobby at the shoot. One of the women was. She
was like ‘Are you the friend?’ I was filling the form in with Sharon. I was
helping her fill the form in ‘cos there was a million things you think she was
signing away a fucking kidney. Em and it said manager. I said ‘Ooh I’ll be your
So I put Stephanie Aird’s Lols as her manager. Hotel freebies yeah. ‘Two
pepperonis last night’ Eve Young. Oh thanks for the stars people. A random
star sender from London. From Sunday from today to when I leave on Tuesday
I’m gonna buy some bits and bobs and a pressie like I did in Prague and a
random star sender will win that pressie. ‘Cos I like doing that. Leona ‘Critter
was up from four thirty.’ Is that the name of your bairn? Not judging. It’s a
nice name. Girl or boy? Sweating under me tits. Ah ‘til Tuesday Ruth Jessop.
Robert’s looking after Toby’s fish. Do you know I wouldn’t be going back
Tuesday but I’ve booked me train. ‘Cos once I go somewhere I like to stay
there for a while. Excuse me I’m gonna. That’s not very lady like but ah. Fuck
off that’s lovely. Oooh. Ah. Yes. Yes. Yes. Ah. Found this in me holiday case
from a couple of year ago. Gonna have to get some more of that. Lovely.
Ooh. Hello everyone. Nicole Nazini ‘What’s the temp?’ Hang on I’ll have a
look on me other phone.
I’m gonna go to the toilet and them I’m meeting a couple of Phannies I think.
See if they make it through. Weather. Where’s the weather. In Hartlepool it’s
tellin me. Hartlepool it’s seventeen degrees and in London it’s only twenty-
three degrees at the minute but it’s only eleven o’clock. Wendy there’s sort of
air con. There’s that. I don’t know if this is air con or what. Twenty-six
degrees hell no. What? No.
Temperature manual. Menu. Oh. I’m gonna get hotter doing it. No. I’m
gonna ring the man. Ask him to come and control me temperature. Na I can’t
be bothered I’ll just get all daft. Do you know what? I’m getting hotter putting
the air conditioning on. I’ll lose me rag. I will. I’ll lose me rag. I wondered
what that was there. It’s the door off the bathroom. I’m gonna go on the
toilet and have a game of Words with Friends. It was just a quick update. I’ll
pop on and off when I can. Ah. I hot. Right let’s have a look at who’s on
before I go. Wendy Cooper ‘press the up button’. I not want it to be hotter.
Temperature manual. Look. Watch. It’s in fucking Spanish now. Look. Up.
Down. Volverde. Moda. Manual. Stand still. Modo. I want it to... I...
Automatico. No. ‘Cos look it says end up there and it won’t go off. If you’re
Spanish can you tell me what it’s saying please? Espaniol. Does anybody speak
Espaniol? Temperature oh. Seraninios off. Anybody? Seraninios? Oh Julie
Ann’s been bit by something on her leg. Like a knat or sommat? You get stuff
like that in the summer don’t you? Serana Injanios. Aqui sai plaido beocay arel
tamascato los adeiouras est demado e menio no plodan aslisan healqua. Any
Spaniol? Even the fucking air conditioning thinks we’re in Spain ‘cos it’s so hot.
Fuck off. It’s probably heating nor air con. Hello Nic Dunford. I did Spanish
darling. Oh yes I’m frequent in Spanish. Very frequent. Ring the man. I
daren’t. I don’t want to ring him now ‘cos I need the toilet and I won’t dare
ring him after I’ve been to the toilet because the whole room will stink. Right
I’m gonna go. Hope you’ve enjoyed this little snippet of Soho. And I’ll catch
yas later. I can’t believe I walked past Ronnie Scott’s Jazz Club. I went there
when I was dating a bloke called Ian Caldwell years ago. We went to Ronnie
Scott’s Jazz Club. I’ve just walked past it. Did sommat fly in me mouth then?
Must have been a bit of dry skin or sommat. Look at the fucking eyebrows on
that Jesus Christ.
Love you all. Have a nice day. All star senders thank you very much for
sending stars. And I’ll put you in the draw for, what shall I call it? The
Londinium surprise pressie. That I’m gonna be buying while I’m away. And
then tomorrow. Ah Carmen Fitzgerald is half Spanish and she’s having trouble
understanding me pronunciation. That’s because you’re only half Spanish
darling. If you were full Spanish you’d be able to understand me. It’s not my
mouth that is doing it wrong it’s your ears. I’ll try and go live from Windsor
Castle tomorrow – depending on if I’m allowed or whatever. Alright. See you
in a bit. Chow for now.
I daren’t go out there. There’s no shade at all. Hi everyone. I’m hiding in the
shade. I’ll wait ‘til everyone’s on then I’ll talk to ya. Sorry it went off.
Obviously when I went in the Castle I couldn’t keep – the walls are so thick
there was just no signal. I never thought of that. I am so sorry. Sorry. I know
it’s frustrating but I’m round another side now. The heat you wouldn’t believe
it. And I starving and I thirsty so if the phone drops I’ve fainted. Again, give if
fifteen minutes before you contact anyone. I’ll pull round. I’ve got some
pressies to give away to random star sender this week from the... What’s
happened to me eyebrow? I’ve rubbed one off with that sweat. Oh my god.
Ah fuck it. No-one knows me. Who gives a fuck? Oh fuck off. Oh god, god,
god it is hot.
Right so I’m outside again. I was nearly in tears in there. It is so fucking
awesomely overwhelmingly amazing. I’ve bought some photos. You’re not
allowed to take photos of anything but I’ve bought some photos and a
souvenier book to look at the photos so I can show you through that at some
point. Na Debbie Taylor – after you went yesterday, me and Katie went into
Primark and I got some shorts. I bought some slip-on shoes, like sandally
things. I wore them last night. What a fucking palava. They just kept coming
off. So I’m back on the boots. I bet there’s been some shenanigans gone down
on down there over the centuries. Eh? That’ll have been a moat that.
Hundreds of years ago. That’ll have been the moat. How fantastic.
I was in one of the rooms where em, when Princess Margaret and The Queen,
Elizabeth, you know they’re sisters. When they were little used to put plays on
at Christmas in the same room. It was so overwhemingly lovely. I can show
you the rooms and tell you the stories I learned on me headphones but I’ll sit
and do that one night like back home. I’ll sit and show you all that. It’s just
amazing. The Kings and Queens over the centuries. Hundreds and hundreds
of years and the rooms that they sat in and where The Queen knights people.
And you seen all the like, coats of arms of all. Because there’s over a thousand
knights. Em, Prince William was the thousandth knight to be knighted. I was
listening very very much. I love learning stuff. Thank you Debbie Taylor for
sending me ‘What is the building in the middle of Soho Gardens?’. I asked
Katie she said ‘How the fuck would I know?’. So thanks for that. Ah can you
imagine, like before there was like, all buildings down there? Like horses
running up over the hills and that, firing at the castle trying to infiltrate it. In
medieval times ah I’d love to go back to medieval times. Yeah. Be fucking
Look at that. Look at that. I haven’t had the chance to do any drawing.
You’re not allowed. There’s nowhere to sit. Well I’d been walking round.
Must have been what? A good two hours was it? And you’re not allowed to
sit down and you know what my back’s like. ‘Cos I’m always on about it. Me
back was really killing and there was nowhere to sit. It was like a little bench
outside in the blistering sun of course. It was lovely to rest me back. Then I
went looking for the toilet. I went the wrong way to the toilet and I had a man
shouting sommat. And he was shouting ‘madam, madam’ and I turned round.
And he said ‘Madam are you wanting the toilet?’ I said ‘Are you addressing
me?’ I said ‘Don’t you mean Miss?’. I thought he was shouting me mother.
Ooh shop. Shall I go in the shop? Right. Hiya. “Facecovering?”. Yeah yeah.
You forget don’t you? You don’t know whether you’re bloody Arthur or
Martha. I have got it. Thanks for reminding me. “Sanitise your hands on the
way in. We’ll let you in the shop now. Eventually.” Thanks for reminding me
ta. That’s all the same stuff as the other shop I’ve just been in. The water
machines are currently out of use. I’m gonna die. I’m literally gonna die. Of
death. Right. I’ve bought two of those. One for me and one for a random star
sender. I’ve already got those in my bag. Oh what a lovely little keepsake.
Elizabeth. Ah I’m gonna get that ‘cos I didn’t get to see the dolls’ house. So I’ll
get one for me and one for a random star sender. Official illustrated history.
Now I’ve got the guide but I’m gonna get this just for me ‘cos I’m a nerd. Aird
the nerd. So I’m gonna get one of those. I’m not fucking Rockerphannie. So
I’ll get that.