I’m not here. Shhh. They’re not very friendly here. Not allowed to back over.
You’re only allowed to go forward. Not allowed to go. If you haven’t seen
sommat you’re not allowed to go back. I’ll have to hide ya. The guards are
everywhere. It’s like a dungeon through there can you see it? Wow. Yes. Oh I
haven’t seen this bit. There’s no photography in here – I’ll have to hide yas.
Wow. I’ve been sat drawing in the room. I’m not allowed to take photos so I’ll
show you them. They’re watching me. Fuckin’ hell. There look. Gonna have
to hide you or I’ll get knocked. Right hang on. Shit. You’ll just have to see
what you can when you can. I’m pointing me fruff towards stuff so you can
see. I’ll have to keep hiding ya.

Man – “Sorry it’s closing time now.”

Thank you.

Man – “No problem. Come back tomorrow because your ticket valid two

Ah right. That’s a good idea. Thank you. Where’s the exit?

Man – “This way.”

Love a crown. Love a crown. I’m the last one in. There’s literally no exit.
There’s only me that can get fucking lost. There’s like literally no exit. They
want me out and I can’t get out. I’ll have to hide you again ‘cos they’re there.
Hang on. I daren’t tell them I can’t get out. I’m frightened they’ll shout at me.
I really am. There. There look.
Christ. Don’t tell me it’s froze oh no. I don’t know if I’m allowed to sit in here.
Let me get out of here. They not like me here. That’s nice. What time is it?
It’s supposed to shut at four. I went in a different room.
I said ‘Can I do photography in here?’ and the woman went ‘Ya. Vidji vidji va
tar’. She said ‘yeah yeah.’ So I gets me camera out and they went ‘No. No.
No.’ I said ‘Fucing hell.’ I even done that sign.

Phew. So I can come back tomorrow. The ticket’s valid for two days. Hell of a
trip from Hartlepool. Quarter to four. It shuts at four. It’s not like they have
owt to do to clean up. I loved it in there. And hated it at the same time. They
don’t smile a lot. I mean I know the stuff in there’s like priceless and centuries,
centuries old. But I wasn’t going to hurt it. I wasn’t the only one who got into
trouble for photographing which was good. A young couple got into trouble as
well so I thought well at least it’s not just me. I’ll show you what I drew.
While I was in there. I thought you can stop me taking photos but you can’t
stop me recording what I see with me Sharpie. It doesn’t say ‘No Sharpies.’
My fucking hands were dropping off. Where can I put you while I show ya?
Here, come here out the way. Let’s have a snog round the corner. Do you
remember that when you were a teen? Ooh. No it closes at four. Twenty to
four was yesterday’s time at a different part. Different things shut at different
times. The cafe’s and the museum for instance are open ‘til six. Here I’ll show
you what a dood. I dood two. There’s chuddy and bird shit on the wall. I feel
like a kid when I go home. I’ve done some work at school. I’ve done a drawing
at school.

Right that’s the first one in the room. I got a little bit of the floor. A little bit of
a bust. Can you see his chin and all of that? A scary buzzardy thing. A bit of a
coat of arms. An angel’s whing. A buzzard thing claw. And some feathery
stuff. So I done another mash up. I’ll give that away towards the prize if yas
want it. Hello all the Julies and Julieannes and A****. Group all the Julies
together. That was the second room. Where I wasn’t allowed to film. Bits of a
crown. I won’t point it out ‘cos some of it’s obvious. Bits of a crown. Bits of a
gargoyle. A gargoyle within a gargoyle. That’s a gargoyle’s nose and that’s a
different gargoyle within the gargoyle. That was an inscription on the crown
but I couldn’t properly see it. So I pleased with them. And they were like em,
as you can see, jewels. I got some photos when I wasn’t allowed so I’ll show
you them. Thank you Julie Ann. Hi Alison. Hi Jordan. ‘It’s nice to see you
again. Rad taz al vidzim.’ Well done darling. That is lovely. Thank you Elaine
Carr for the stars. Hello Julie. Hello Julie. Hello A****. Hello Steph. Me finger
ends are dropping off. Ooh. I will. I’ll put me gloves on. Well you got to see
quite a bit of it. There wasn’t much more after that to be honest. I was sat
drawing most of the time. Too frightened to move ‘cos they were all following
me. I think that they think I’m an SAS spy or summat. Or a CIA summat. I
think I might need sommat to eat. A snack or summat. Me tired are you? Me
so tired. I’m not criered yet though. You know when you’re criered – you’re
so tired you could cry. I’m not criered, just tired. ‘A rook aka varte. Makky

There’s a snot rag everywhere. Don’t worry it’s a bin. I’m putting it in there.
I’m not just chucking it on the floor. I wouldn’t fucking dare round here Jesus.
‘Cos when I first went round I missed a bit out to go the other way. And as I
went back to look at it he said ‘You can only go forward. You cannot go back’.
Fucking hell. Talk about rigid. This is what you seen yesterday. So a bit of a
repeat, repeat offending really. I might go and have a cup of coffee if that’s
okay and a toilet. I said I’d bring you back and I did. You watched a classical
concert which you may or may not have liked. But I will, I will, culture some of
you at some point. I know some of you are cultured but some of ya rougher
than a badger’s arse man. It’s nice to see something different isn’t it? Should
we people watch just for a minute? That kid keeps hurling it’self on the floor in
a tantrum. Do you remember those days when they were little? Fuckin’ hell I
used to... Abbie was torture for it. She was a little bastard our Abbie. She
was. She was a little bastard. She nearly killed me off our Abbie. With her
behaviour. Told you didn’t I? Especially if she had blue. Anything blue and
there was fucking hell on. For hours. She wasn’t allowed blue at all. And you
knew when she’d had blue. I keep going like that and holding you up but
you’re not turning round. Turn over. Be taken from behind now. Thank you
for the stars. Someone else has sent them ‘cos me number in the top’s gone
up. It’s lovely to see. Thank you Sarah Louise Brownell Fosse. Julie Ann
Caulfield – course it’s snotty roll. What do you blow your nose on? Oh, like a
posh packet of tissues. Yes, I do, I take a toilet roll out. Yeah I’m not a dainty
type of girl. Thank you Elaine Carr for the stars. To be fair I do sometimes
have a nice, posh packet of tissues but if I don’t I shove a full shit roll in me
handbag. Well it’s either be classy, but also snotty. Or lose the class and wipe
the snot. Me finger ends are falling off. I’m gonna go and get a cuppa. Jordan
Palmer ‘The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.’ ‘Blue.’ Karen Marie
Nottingham. Like a blue slush or blue sweets. You know the blue food
colouring. She had blue. Do you know what I mean? Blue ice cream.
Anything blue there was fucking hell on. Even in her late teens. Even now I
wouldn’t give her blue and she’s twenty-two. I’m gonna have to put me hands
in me pockets. Right there’s not a lot to see at the minute because I’m gonna
have a cuppa and I’m gonna go to the toilet ‘cos I still haven’t had me toilet
time. Karen ‘Oh I see.’ Do you get me now? There must have been sommat in
it. She used to go krrrrr – boom. And it would last for, ooh, four to six hours
with Abbie. Right I’m gonna go. Is that okay? Okay. Right em, I’ll send out
random VG’s which is virtual gifts. To random star senders. I’ve got a few
more bits of prezzies to put in the prize. I’ll come live later for a bit. Yeah.
Yeah yeah.
Right love yous. See you in a bit. Love you’s bye. Cut. Over. Khrrr.

Right me buttons are working. Boom. Turn you round. Hiya John. Got a new
motor? Sorry. Hiya Graham. I didn’t really have time to get me toilet time. I’ll
get it after. ‘Cos I’ll end up being in there for half an hour. And it’s a long time.
I could hold it. Right, stop. A**** A**** stars – are you looking forward to
having a look round the story of Prague Castle? Thank you. Hello Anna.
Steph, Nicola, Michelle, Paul, Sarah. Are your ears alright now Sarah? By
you’re an uncultured lot. Trying to culture yas. Right I’ve got a ticket to go in
here. The tickets are pretty. I’ll put it in the pack for a random star winner.
I’m not looking at the screen at the minute, I’m looking down these steps. So
we’re going into here. I’ve got a tickety-boo. Americans just said ‘What they
call lesbians’ or summat. What the hell? Do you want to borrow me glasses?
Woman – “I have mine.”
Thank you. Ah. Well done. Told you they don’t like me here. Right here we
go. Straight away I showed her the ticket she went ‘No.’ In her language – ‘It’s
the wrong one.’ And I knew it wasn’t. So she looked again and it was the right
one. They not like me in Prague. I knew it was the right ticket ‘cos I bought
the fuckin’ right ticket. I made sure I did.
Right let’s do this. I’ll do a bit of talking, a bit of hello now and again, ‘cos I
need to use me eyes to look. ‘Cos the floor’s all uneven and then I’ll do a lot of
just showing you stuff. Thank you for the stars Lorraine Davies. Anna Hodges
– thank you for the stars. Hello Sharan, Joe, Lellie, John Hastie – John – I don’t
want to be like be cheeky but can I have some more of them books – only
when you’ve got time ‘cos I love them. I love them. Thank you.
Here we go. Thank you Tracey Tighe and Jenny Kelsey. The reason I see the
star senders ‘cos they go bright gold straight away. I’ve told you this anyway
haven’t I? If you like what you see and you’re enjoying it, and you are able to,
send some stars. If you can’t – just watch it. There’s a broken cup. That was
worth paying fucking twenty quid for. Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones.
‘The oldest archaeological finds connected with the settlement of this castle
and the surrounding area are usually dated to the later stone age. Six to third
millennium BC.’ Before Christ. That’s a long time away. Wow. Shouldn’t it be
BJ – before Jesus. Oh God. That wouldn’t be good would it? BJ – before Jesus.
Right shhh. Right. For those like nerdy people who like to know everything
like I actually do. I’ll show you the thing and then I’ll find the English version
and I’ll put it on and you can screen shot and read at your own leisure. What
do you think? Where’s the English? Aw it’s right down there. ‘In this period
the Empire of Mahbod lasted for a short while. Finds from this era have been
made in the inner complex of Prague Castle.’ ‘The Church of the Virgin Mary
(course she was), is the oldest documented building at Prague Castle and is
connected with the origin of the castle as the centre of state.’

Well that doesn’t make any fuckin’ sense to me but hey ho. Ah I want to live in
here now – I love it. Right there’s the English bit at the back. If you want to
screen shot that for yourselves and read later. If you don’t want to, obviously
you don’t have to. Uneven floor – nearly went. Nearly went. I’ll have to ring
Arthur & Co to put a claim in if I break another thumb. Stop swearing in a
castle Stephanie. Sorry. I’m not being funny but if I emptied me dressing table
drawer out it would look a lot like the exhibits on here. Just saying. Ooh are
they nit combs? Like really? Decorated comb. Just combs. That’s what the
modern nit comb looks like – wow. Mind you they’ll have had more head lice
then won’t they? There’s some English words for you to look at. Those geeks
who need to know stuff. I’m a geek as well. If you want to screen shot. Dive
in any time. What’s occurring there then? ‘The codex was made on the
occasion of the coronation of Duke Ratislav the second in 1086.’ So that book
is from 1086. Wow. ‘The leather helmet.’ Ha. Sorry. ‘Came from the grave of
an unknown secular person buried near the southern aps of the rotunda of St.
Vitas.’ Is that where they get the St. Vitas dance thing? ‘Thusfar no similar
object from the period has been found in Europe.’ So it’s the only thing found.
‘As it was close to the grave of St. Wenceslas.’ Good King Weceslas. ‘The
person who found it attributed the helmet to the saint’s servant Podivan.’ The
helmet. ‘The grave of an unknown secular person.’ Secular meant non-
religious. Not of the church back then. For those that don’t know. I think I’m
right with that. Unless I’ve got it wrong again. Like Rodney. But that’s how I
remember it from when I used to compose, em, monk’s chanting music. You
know as you do?

Right I’m not allowed to photograph that. ‘Photographing is only allowed
without flash.’ ‘Photographing is prohibited.’ I’m photographing the
prohibition sign. ‘Is prohibited in the permanent exhibition. The story of
Prague Castle and in Prague Picture Gallery.’ I don’t know. Right I haven’t got
a flash or a tripod. There you go. It doesn’t say don’t touch. Will the alarms
go off? Will I get shot? Ah. I want to go back in time. There you go. Screen
shot that now if you want it. ‘The fragment of primitive art work by ordinary
or at least untrained craftsmen, provides unique evidence of every day life in
the middle ages.’ See all through the centuries people like art and music.
Travels through time. Seen him on POF before. True story.
Right what’s this? No Englaise. Where Englaise? ‘Several textiles dating from
the eleventh to sixteenth century were found in the relic tomb of St.
Wenceslas.’ Is that Good King Wenceslas? Will be won’t it? You don’t hear of
many Wenceslasses do you? There’s me. Oh. Means don’t stand on it. Okay.
I’ll admit I was gonna. Oh I want to sit in there, up there. I wanna sit in there
and draw with a cup of tea. I really do. And feel all scared. Do you? There
look. It’s on a slope though I’d slide right down – straight on the deck.
Doomph. ‘Process for polychroming stone sculptural feature.’ Polychroming.
Oh someone write polychroming down for me and remind me and what was
that other thing that lady said? Something about zig-zaginal or something? I
want to Google that. Ooh. Ooh. That was... The Ducal Chamber. I wanna go
in it. ‘One of the residential rooms of the twelfth centrury Ducal Palaces
known as the Ducal Chamber. A name that reflects it’s former function. The
original limestone paving has been preserved there. To the west of the
chamber lay a large hall. To the east a corridor that led to....’ I want to know
what it was used for. I want to know what it was used for, who was in there,
how long.... They don’t tell you a lot do they? Wow. Nice vase would go nice
there. Just saying. Look at that – I mean fuckin’ hell. Wow. I hope there’s
glass there ‘cos I’ll go straight ower. ‘The western wall of the palace all saints
chapel dates from the twelfh century. Vaulted corridor.’ I’ll let you read it
yourselves if you want. Now that’s a wall. Look at that. It’s not like them walls
in the new builds. Where if you fart you can hear your neighbour. Well you
can hear your neighbour fart. Wow. Eh? It’s under the floor look. It’s lovely
being the only one in here. I thought there’d be like loads and loads of
tourists. Pozas snitzy porahrld. Does that mean no? What does that mean?

Anybody? Does it mean ‘watch your head’? I’ll go down there in a bit. Oh I
dunno shall I go over there or down here? So hang on. Wow. Ooh. Walls
record events you know. That’s why you get ghosts and apparitions. Because,
em, walls and like brick and mortar absorb and record sound and images over
centuries. It’s true. Well that’s what I’ve heard. No photography again. I’ll
just film me then. I’m not on licence. Em yeah. All the sound that happens
over centuries doesn’t disappear. It absorbs into the thickness of the walls and
records. That’s why sometimes you see apparitions. That’s what they believe
in the Grand Canyon. You know where the two planes crashed in the fifties.
And they still see the people walking across the canyon. From decades ago.
It’s ‘cos they’re recorded. ‘Cos the stone’s so set back. Like hundreds of feet.
It records the sounds. Visions. Watched a documentary on it.
It’s a hell of a floor that innit? Eh? You wouldn’t catch Barratt Homes having a
floor like that, just saying. Look at that – wow. There we go for the geeks.
And for me. Look at that. I mean, come on. Give it up for that. Give it up for
the wall over there. Eh, we’ve just not come through here. Ow. No signs to
say no filming is there? No. Someone sat doodling while there were on hold
with Virgin. Just saying. What’s that tick ticking? It’s quite eerie on your own
I’ll be honest. Oh there’s a croin. Oh. ‘Crown of the Abscesses’. The
Abscesses – ew. ‘Of the St. George convent. 1533. Supplemented after 1700.
Guilded silver prescious stones, pearls’. 1500? It’s lasted, like, all them
centuries. Primark tights don’t even last a night out. True story. ‘The Chapel
of the Holy Cross was constructed after the mid Eighteenth Century. On the
site of older buildings. Most of the decoration dates from that period.’ Next
time I go on a trip, I’m gonna, like I said, I’m gonna bring a camera. So I know
technically. Hang on, I can get screen shots now can’t I? But me photography
will have your comments on. Ha.
‘Hey you. Are you still in the land of Praguian?’ Yes I am Dawn. I certainly am.
Thank you Jenny Kelsey. Karen Sutch, Elaine Carr, Tracey Tighe, Lorraine
Davies, Anna Hodges, A**** A****. For the stars. If you like looking round
and can do it, then send some, thank you. It’s all kept dark so they don’t rot
away in the light. I know you know, I’m just saying. Just saying. Lovely. Ooh.
I don’t know if you’re allowed up here. I’m going up. Wow. I’d put the flash
on but I would get really told off. Like really told off. Oh gargoyle. Gargoyle.

Love these. We were looking at them last night weren’t we? There’s a
gargoyle’s nose. Wonder where it’s mouth and eyes have gone. Flippin’ heck.
Eleven hundred. Now then. Em.
Hello Dawn thanks for the stars. Didn’t you get the email when I said you’d
won? It’ll be there won’t it? Have a look on your messages. I’ll give you it
again if you can’t find it. Oh wow. Thank you. Glad to hear I brighten up
people’s days. To be honest it gets me out of bed some days. Knowing I’m
doing it for you’s as well. True story.
What’s that adorable sound? It’s a croin and a sceptre. And an orb.
Man: “Ne siet sa photieth.”
Aw right. Sorry. Okay, right. Right, I’m not allowed to film that. I think he’s
gone to get a gun. I think he’s gone to get a gun. Well which bits? Right I’m
not allowed to film that. Delete that bit. I’m gonna put you in me hand bag I
think. I’ll just put yous there like that quietly, right? I frightened now. What if
he shouts at me. Thank you Ruby Starr for the stars. If it goes black it’s
because I’ve put me arm over yous right?
Where can you film?

Man: “Mumble mumble.”
Not in here? Yeah, I’ve put that off. Wherever it says that? Yeah. Thank you.
If you hear a loud bang then a clatter. It’s a goodbye from me and a goodbye
from me. Over. Khrrr. I’ll just bend over when I’m showing you stuff. I won’t
talk to you ‘cos they’ll know I’m filming. Oh shit the flash went off. Fuck. Oh

Wow that’s a cup and a jug. There’s no photography in here. That’s where it
says there. Oh fuck the fucking flash. The flash keeps going off - I’m pressing it
wrong. I’m gonna get shot. I’m really gonna get shot. Right there’s no
photography in there. Right I’m gonna hide you down me bra. I hope you’s
appreciate this. Ha. I’m shitting meself. I hate getting into trouble. Off the
feds. ‘Cos it’s like royal, religious stuff. You can get fucking your hands cut off
if you harm it. ‘Click on the comment and press reply.’ Right. Oh I’ll get into
trouble. I daren’t go in with yous. I daren’t. I frightened. I’m gonna put yous
off now ‘cos the man’s actually, literally following me over there.

Right Love yous bye. 

Stephanie Aird’s LOLS

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