Aries, March 21st–April 19th

“Your honour, can I really be condemned for not realising that ‘Wanna watch a bluey?’ had changed so radically in meaning between generations?”

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

In a private medical facility in upstate New York, Mariah Carey is gently revived from her cryosleep ready for another December.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Don’t blame the messenger. Unless he f**ks up and says for example ‘The enemy is not attacking at noon,’ when he means the opposite. Blame him then.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Catfishing’s too easy. Back in the 1980s, you had to disguise yourself as a fortune teller or crone to trick your loved ones into telling you their secrets.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Try saying ‘So you can swim, big f**king deal. I never learned because when’s that going to come in useful?’ this week, just to see what happens.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

A letterman jacket. A bachelor auction. A Renaissance fair. Things you don’t understand but American television believes you do.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

The media was unfairly, unnecessarily cruel to celebrity women in the 2000s. So much better now they’ve outsourced that to social media.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

The first guy to take a canary in a coal mine just couldn’t bear to be separated from his happy, tweeting companion for a whole day.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Today you will be shot in the head while in a motorcade in Dallas. Oh sorry, that’s the Sagittarius horoscope for this day in 1963.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Coming back as a ghost would get dull after a while. Once you’d watched all the world’s leaders use the toilet at least once, you’d be like now what?

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Lou Reed complained of street hassle. Mate. Take off the shades and leather and put on a nice striped blazer and no-one will give you a second look.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

So, is there a Mrs Potato Head? Oh yes, of course, silly me. My next question then, do you swing?