Your astrological week ahead for July 5th, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th: We have to accept that even when he dies we will never know the true secret of Trump’s hair.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th: ‘If you build it, they will come,’ mutters the inventor of the Rampant Rabbit, slaving away at his workbench.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st: If the finger of a monkey’s paw curls, he might just be beckoning you over. Asking how you’ve been, that kind of thing.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd: Reassuring to know Noel Edmonds is in New Zealand, as far away from a British TV studio as it is physically possible to be.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd: Boy racers are fine. It’s so-called adult racers like Lewis Hamilton who should be ashamed of themselves, zooming around like big kids.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd: “Hi, gorgeous! No, not you. Christ, how embarrassing.”

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd: Is it normal that whenever I tell my therapist about a deep trauma I’ve suffered he says ‘You think that’s bad? You’ve not heard what happened to me down Asda on Tuesday week.’

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd: Celebrate the intersection of Venus and Uranus by shaving your bumhole.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st: Naval officer: “And so why is this called Smuggler’s Cove?” Cornishman, thinking he’s clever: “Ay, why nobody knows that zurr. It be one o’ them myzterrys.”

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th: Anywhere open past 11pm is likely an illegal brothel, and that includes A&E.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th: The problem with the freckled is when you shake them like a snow globe and the freckles just stay where they are.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th: “A UV torch can be a great way to spot spunk trails in the wild. And look, this one’s led us to a bed of shredded porn.”