Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Anyone know when the next Waitrose ad goes up? The one where Joe Wilkinson and Keira Knightley f**k each other bloody hard. Then there's a close up of some mince pies or something.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

“It’s a signed photo of Sir Patrick Stewart. No, no idea why, he just posted it through.”

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

“I've never had such crackling sexual chemistry with the man leading my speed awareness course before. This is new.”

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

A big poster at the railway station: ‘BEING GINGER IS A CHOICE’.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

“I now pronounce you hoosband and weef. I’m Dutch, that’s how I say it.”

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

And so, wrapped in bacon, the sausages became aware of their former nakedness for the first time and feel ashamed.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Did you know, Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and was cloned into a sheep on the very same day.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Do Furrys ogle football mascots?

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Ironic for boomers to be so annoyed about Gen Z killing industries after what they did to asbestos and cigarettes.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Remember lockdown? Sunday nights ironing five sets of pyjamas ready for the working week?

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Not sure what to buy your wife for Christmas? Just get her the same things you would any other woman.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

What’s the long German word for long German words?