President Donald Trump has immediately initiated standard distraction protocols, after new emails were released tying him to Jeffrey Epstein. Trump told White House staff he wanted a list of countries he could bomb on his desk by lunchtime, saying he needed to take over the news cycle for at least the next 48-72 hours.

“It doesn’t matter where. Just a small bombing. Maybe Iran, or Denmark. That kind of thing. Perhaps Canada if the Epstein story gets out of hand,” Trump humorously suggested.

Trump also asked staff for a list of additional distractions he could use while waiting for the bombing to commence. “Can we deport a movie star with a Spanish surname? Is there a famous woman I can sexualize? Maybe we just lift tariffs on China to 600%. Let’s think creatively, people.”

When asked by journalists about the new leaked Epstein emails, Trump said pre-emptive strikes on Bhutan were necessary to ensure America’s security. “These will be very nice bombs. Some say I am the best at bombing. Obama bombed, but very unfairly. I’d do it classier.”

Pushed further on how much he knew about Jeffrey Epstein’s activities, Trump said Sydney Sweeney had amazing breasts.