Tim Winton, the acclaimed Australian author and bane of secondary English students, has expressed disappointment in this year’s turnout at a local Book Week parade after nobody dressed up as any of his characters.

While journeying home from his morning surf in a small coastal town in the southwest region of Western Australia, Winton glanced out the window of the car his dad bought him for his 16th birthday, and saw Angelus Public School was holding its annual Book Week parade.

However, once the author surveyed the outfits of students participating in the event, he was struck with grief like a cold ocean wave crashing over his soul.

“Where are the costumes of a late teen trying to come of age while they battle with living in a Western Australian coastal town?” Winton proclaimed. “Or the costume of a local boy fleeing from his trauma with nothing but a boogie board and a dishevelled van, along with a clueless but loyal best mate who's hiding an untold tragedy?”

Desperate to find at least one child dressed like they were on the verge of uncovering their rural town’s terrible secret, Winton leapt from his car and entered the schoolyard. For a moment, he thought he saw a costume of one of his characters from The Turning, but it was just a child in mufti.

Alas, after minutes of searching, all his deep blue eyes could see was a sea of Supermen and Princess Peaches. Defeated, Winton got back into his car and drove to the next beach.

But as he left, beyond the author’s earshot and across the school gate, a larrikin 12-year-old boy with sandy blonde hair was being scolded by his teacher for not wearing a costume. Trying to explain the misunderstanding, the child protested: “But sir, I’m Lockie Leonard!”