By White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt

THE president has the greatest bruised hand in history, and the liberal media’s speculation about it proves what liars they are. This is how he got it:

He punched through a foot of steel: The president reportedly punched through the US-Mexico border wall made of concrete and steel, declaring it should be titanium. Not a single immigrant will breach it again.

He spends nights working for ICE: When not being president, he's in Minneapolis stopping speeding SUVs with a single hand, all while rounding up illegal immigrants.

His body is spontaneously generating gold: His anatomy is so majestic, it turns blood into gold, which he graciously adds to the US gold reserve.

Europe did it: A visit to Europe resulted in a bruise, attributed to his allergies to their decadence, like any reasonable allergy would.

Biden in a mech suit: In a bizarrely epic showdown, Biden attacked in a mech suit but was defeated, leaving Trump with only mild bruising.

He sat on it too long before wanking himself off: In a relatable act of self-love, he accidentally bruised his hand by sitting on it too long, yet heroically completed the task.