Consumers, brace yourselves for an important public safety announcement that could change the way you zip up your pants forever. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services is embarking on a groundbreaking initiative to save lives, and it involves a zipper and a very unfortunate incident.

The Surgeon General, in a heroic effort to protect the health of American penises, has mandated that every pair of pants will now come with a graphic photo of a man who had a painful encounter with a zipper. That's right, we're talking about a picture of a guy whose penis got caught in a zipper, displayed proudly on every pair of pants you buy.

This move comes after years of intense scientific research showing that people who wear pants are more at risk of such mishaps compared to those who prefer the freedom of nudity. "Penis safety is a top priority," declared Surgeon General Denise Hinton, aiming to keep American penises strong and vibrant for years to come.

Set to roll out next month, these warnings will serve as a stark reminder of the dangers lurking in our everyday attire. The image will portray a man in sheer agony as his family watches in horror, with a bold warning underneath: "Warning: Zipping up pants can guillotine your penis completely."

But that's not all! In a multi-pronged strategy, the Surgeon General's office will also distribute free whistles at clothing outlets. In the unfortunate event of a zipper mishap, blow the whistle, and a firefighter will rush to your aid with the Heimlich maneuver. Yes, you heard that right.

This initiative is a testament to America's commitment to the health and safety of its citizens. Let's hope that with these measures, penis injuries will become a relic of the past!