TRUMP consistently believes everyone loves his muddled anecdotes and offensive quips, and if you follow his tips this Christmas season so could you! Let the master help:

Believe their enjoyment is unconnected to you having power over them

Everything I say is met with wild enthusiasm because I’m a genius storyteller, not because they’re sycophants who would lap up my vomit with a smile on their face if I told them to. FBI director Kash Patel can testify to that personally. He particularly enjoyed the gherkin.

Be convinced staring open-mouthed is a sign of approval

It means your interlocutor can’t hear enough. Today I announced I would be replacing the dollar with cryptocurrency, followed by my off-the-cuff thoughts on how slavery was actually very positive for blacks. Everyone enjoyed it so much the gape-jawed silence lasted minutes.

Assume anyone who doesn’t like your anecdotes is low IQ

The only reason someone wouldn’t enjoy my discoursing on topics like magnets and water pressure is a low IQ. That’s when – unlike me – they can’t answer tough questions such as ‘Which of these animals makes the sound “quack”?’ In fact the genius Einstein told me he wished he could IQ as good as me. We met when I studied at Princeton.

Adopt a pompous ‘man of the world’ tone

I always like to sound as if I’m so familiar with any subject I’ve grown weary of it, like when I casually refer to murderous dictators and incredibly brutal drug gangs as ‘bad people’. I’m not saying I know everything. Probably only about 900 per cent.

Be confident in telling the same anecdote again and again

There’s nothing better than a long, misremembered anecdote told for the fifth time. I can tell a story 50 or 100 times and it always gets delighted laughter from people like Pam Bondi, Dr Oz and Pete Hegseth. It’s a shame Pete is a war criminal now for killing those Venezuelans, but that’s what friends are for.

Remember never to take crap from women

Nothing ruins a man’s fascinating stream-of-consciousness anecdote more than a woman, not even pretty, asking a question. Deflect it with a harmless joke like ‘Quiet, piggy!’ Or if you lose your patience, ‘Shut up you dumb f**king bitch!’ is fine. I haven’t said it yet but I will soon.

Avoid Jeffrey Epstein anecdotes

Call it storyteller’s instinct, but people don’t want to hear anecdotes about Jeffrey Epstein. They just don’t! In fact the first time I met Epstein I said, ‘Jeff, you are a very bad person and I am not going to do things with you the Epstein files says I did.’ So you can all stop asking.