In a comedic take on current events, The Onion reports that former President Donald Trump made a desperate attempt to flush a 14-year-old masseuse down the toilet. This fictional scenario is meant to highlight the absurdity of Trump's alleged efforts to cover up ties with the late Jeffrey Epstein, a notorious child sex offender.

According to the satire, Trump struggled with the toilet's limited capacity, blaming 'woke toilet companies' for the weak flush. Despite using a plunger and massage oil, his attempts were futile. In a humorous touch, the article ends with Trump unknowingly trailing a friendship bracelet as he exits, adding to the farcical nature of the story.