In a bold move reminiscent of a plot twist in a low-budget action film, Russia, which hasn't quite managed to conquer its nearest neighbor Ukraine in over three years, is now threatening to take on the entire European continent.

Despite suffering massive losses, including a million men and an economy that's seen better days, Russia decided to shake things up by declining a peace deal and instead making grandiose threats.

A NATO spokesperson, with a twinkle of sarcasm, stated, "Ooh, I’m so scared. At their current pace, they might reach Romania by the time my great-grandkids graduate." The spokesperson also pointed out that even Russia's supposed victories are in regions already sympathetic to them, making any real westward expansion seem like a far-fetched fantasy.

The military powerhouse is apparently relying on help from unlikely allies like North Korea while China keeps it on a tight financial leash. NATO jokes that if the EU decided to take action, Russian troops would be retreating faster than they could ask, "Where’s Wagner?"

Putin, not to be outdone in the bravado department, has threatened to cut underwater internet cables, calling it a "proper man’s warfare"—certainly not because he's running out of tanks, of course.