In a satirical piece from The Onion, Alan Dershowitz, the renowned civil liberties lawyer, has allegedly taken legal action against a vendor at a Martha’s Vineyard farmers market. The charge? Refusing to sell him a child. According to the article, Dershowitz, who is 86 years old, views this as a blatant affront to the free market principles he cherishes.

As the story goes, the attorney was escorted out of the market by a large crowd after demanding a child, humorously described as 'the big one filled with cheese.' Dershowitz, a character known for his controversial views, insists that he has been a regular customer at this market for decades and finds it discriminatory that he is now being shunned due to his opinions on age of consent laws.

In his fictional statement, Dershowitz vows to persist in his daily attempts to purchase a child until the said child reaches adulthood. Meanwhile, he has released a list of 'woke sex trafficking rings' for his supporters to boycott, adding another layer of satire to the absurd narrative. The article uses this outlandish scenario to mock the lawyer's well-documented legal antics and public persona.